May. 13th, 2011

azn_jack_fiend: (Asia the Invincible (armor))
I was in a pensive mood this morning, and I ended up listening to this song about five times in a row. The first time I heard it, a long time ago, it hit me deeply. It's probably the clearest narrative of my life that I've ever heard in song form, starting at the point my mother moved back to the US. It's not the details, really -- no gangs at my old schools, and I'm not a man -- but the way it represents violence, either done to me, or by me. That sense of knowing you have to fight back, but not knowing how -- the translation of agonizing mental paradox into physical expression.

People stopped calling me racial slurs to my face because I stopped letting them walk away afterward. I spoke out and demanded an apology. Or I hit them.

I'm not saying everyone can and should fight back that way, but that's how it worked for me. I'm not proud of it. I wish my responses to certain situations weren't colored by the long shadow of violence, and I wish I never had to run in the first place.
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